The Value of Life

The First duty of Love is to listen. The gentle art of listening is a great gift that we can give to others and ourselves. When we listen to others, we show them that what they say is worthwhile listening to. We thus inject in them self worth and confidence.

Listening takes us out of our tendency towards self-absorption and self-protection. Listening is an essential skill worth tons of effort to learn and to master. It opens us to the world around us and to the persons who matter most to us. When we listen, we will learn, grow, and be nourished. We will learn more if we listen. Zeno of Citium said 2000 years ago that the reason why we have two ears and one mouth is we should listen more and talk less.

In life, have you ever felt that that you have difficulty in getting along with others or that people try to avoid you? If that is the case, it might have to do with how others perceive our listening skills. If we are perceived as a bad listener, then oftentimes people will try to avoid us altogether rather than wasting their energy to communicate with us. We might then find ourselves missing out a lot of opportunities.

I can never agree more with this statement by Dr. John Gottman: “Listen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don’t agree with it, before expressing your experience or point of view.” Dr. John Gottman is word renowned for his work of marital stability and divorce prediction. It involves the study of emotions, physiology, and communication. He was recently voted as one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by Psychotherapy Networker publication. He describes his discovery that listening really works. In order to get more of your conversation partner’s attention in tense situations, pay attention first: listen and give a brief restatement of what you have heard (especially feelings) before you express you own needs or position.

In learning to better coordinate our live activities with the life activities of others; perhaps we have to avoid models of communication such as arguing like arguing a case in court and debating. In court and debates, it is always for each side to try to make its own pointes and listens to the other side only to tear down the other side’s points. However, in life, if we adopt the style of arguing and debating, our list probably will end up in chaotic situation. We, instead have to the person who wants us to hear their opinion.

For example, in the hospital a nurse might say, after listening to a patient: “I hear that you are very uncomfortable right now, Ruby, and you would really want to get out of that bed and move around. But our doctor says your wound won’t heal unless you stay put for another week.” The patient in this example is much more likely to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply said: “I’m really sorry, Ruby, but you wound won’t heal unless you stay put for another week.” What is missing is any acknowledge of the patient’s present experience.

As Marshall Rosenberg reported in his book, ‘Nonviolent Communication,’ “studies in labour-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to repeat what the previous speaker had said.” The kind of listening recommended here separates acknowledging from approving or agreeing. Acknowledging another person’s thoughts and feelings does not have to mean that you approve of or agree with that person’s actions or way of experiencing, or that you will do whatever someone ask.”