Why We Should Forgive (Nov 8, 2009)
I believe that all of us have been hurt one way or another by the actions or words of others; our friends gossiped about us, our mother criticized our parenting skills, our boss does not appreciate us even though we have tried our best and the disobedience of our children etc. The wounds resulted can leave us with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment and even vengeance.
So why should we forgive those who have hurt us? I asked my mentor, Master Huang Yuan Chen the question in a seminar that I attended in 1993. He replied that we can choose not to forgive; to forgive or not is our choice. However, if we want to live our life to the fullest, if we truly want to live an extraordinary life of our own dreams, and if we desire to achieve our goals and make a difference in this world, forgiveness is necessary.
Forgiveness can be defined in different ways. In general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, bitterness, anger and thoughts of revenge. It is the act of untying ourselves from thoughts and feelings that bind us to the offences committed against us. Forgiveness can lead to understanding, empathy and compassion for those who hurt us.
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. It can be difficult and it may take time. Everyone approaches forgiveness differently. One important step is to recognize the value of forgiveness and its importance in our lives at a given time. Another crucial step is to reflect on the facts of the situation and how we have reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives, our health and our well-being. Then, as we are ready, we can proactively choose to forgive the one who has offended us. In this way, we move away from our role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.
Forgiveness also means that we change the old patterns of beliefs and actions that are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and understanding.
Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding onto grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems.
Forgiveness research is a relatively new and uncharted field. Prior to 1985, only a handful of studies on forgiveness had been done. During the next fourteen years, less than sixty studies were done. Nevertheless, social scientists have begun to quantify the power of forgiveness in a variety of arenas.
In January 2, 1998, ABC News reported that "studies show that letting go of anger and resentment can reduce the severity of heart disease and, in some cases, even prolong the lives of cancer patients." A study by the University of Montgomery suggests that there is a positive link between attitude towards revenge and criminal behavior. Criminality might be related , at least in male, to the attitudes one holds about revenge and forgiveness which might play a positive role in reducing vengeful responses to perceived transgression that lead to criminal acts.
While I was flying back from Rome, Italy April 2008, I read an article and came across a sentence which read “Forgiveness does not change the past; however it does enhance your future.” I totally agree with this statement.
The negative emotion of guilt manifests as a feeling of unworthiness, destructive criticism, a lack of love, and a feeling of inadequateness and undeserving. People who have guilty feelings often feel that they are unworthy of all the good things life has to offer. Even when things are going well with them, deep down they feel it cannot last. Un-forgiveness predisposes a person for failure. Raised with the feeling that they do not deserve to have good things happen to them, they manifest self sabotaging behavior.
Holding grudges and remaining angry towards people who have hurt us is the major cause of psychosomatic illness. Our anger and antagonism rob us and our life of energy, facilitate illness, and sabotage our efforts to prosper and achieve our goals in life.
For decades, forgiveness generally was discussed in biblical or theological terms, but slowly and surely, the notion that the act of forgiving can be healing for an individual has begun infiltrating into psychology. Like prayer and mediation, forgiveness has turned out to be good medicine. Anger and pain is the price we pay for holding onto grudges. The medical profession is beginning to recognize that holding onto past grievances with hostility as the predisposing cause for many diseases such as heart disease and cancer.
Some people can spend countless hours dwelling on the wrongs done to them, the injustices, the slight, the snubs, insults, hostilities and bad treatment. Top Popoola, a minister and author wrote “Bitterness and an unforgiving spirit can be likened to us taking poison and expecting that someone else would die from the effect. Forgiveness is about setting the prisoner in our heart free only to discover that all along, we had been the real prisoner.” Wow, this is a great saying.
There are three persons in our life that we need to forgive to free our self from the toxic emotions of guilt, inferiority, unworthiness, bitterness and anger. When we let these people go and ditch the past we will feel lighter and will experience a feeling of relief and joy. Then our life will open up to us in a wonderful new way that we cannot even imagine or comprehend.
The first person we have to forgive is our parents. I realize that in family there are no crimes too great beyond forgiveness. We can and we must forgive our parents for every conceived injustice and every act of unkindness. We can rise above the situation and let them go. We have to realize that our parents did their very best for us within the level of knowledge they had at the time. Why should we blame them for anything? We have to remember that by blaming our parents or anybody will draw our attention to the past and prevent us from reaching our goals in life.
The second person we have to forgive is everyone else, every single person that has hurt or betrayed us in any way. The refusal to forgive just one person is enough to seriously undermine or even destroy our opportunities for future success. We do not have to like that person. We simply have to forgive him. If someone has caused us pain, if a lover has broken our heart, if a best friend has betrayed us, forgive them for they have no idea how much they have hurt us. I believe if they really knew how much it hurt you or how long we would hold onto the pain, they would never have done it in the first place. If we do not forgive them, the hurt and wounds they have inflicted on us will get bigger and bigger.
The third person and perhaps the most important and difficult person to forgive is ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is the greatest gift we could ever give to ourselves. We must choose to forgive ourselves for every foolish and hurtful thing we have done. We must learn to recognize that in spite of it all, we manage to survive and that we have developed greater strength and stronger character and compassion as a result of our past painful and hurtful experience. No matter how regretful we are over what we have done, we must not torture ourselves with guilt. Remember that we are not perfect; we have done our best to do whatever we can.
If we want to realize our potential, to develop our full capabilities and to liberate our emotional and spiritual well being and if we genuinely desire to be joyful, healthy, and be completely free from toxic emotions, we must refuse to pay over and over again for the same unpleasant experiences. We absolutely must forgive everyone who has hurt us in any way. We must let go of it and walk away from these negative emotions that will only haunt us. Let go the past, forgive and move forward for joy and happiness.
How do we let go and forgive? There are many methods we can use. One of the methods I used to practise is through imagination. I imagine the person that has hurt me is standing right in front of me. I walk closer to him or her and give him or her a hug. I go on to say, “I forgive you. Let us begin our journey with joyful relationship.”
Forgiveness and especially self-forgiveness is the greatest gift we could possibly give ourselves. It is the most difficult trick in the whole bag of human relations.
Discover for yourself how this process will break through the prison of our own self-imposed limitations allowing us to achieve our goals and enrich our life. Forgiveness is the key to happiness!
So why should we forgive those who have hurt us? I asked my mentor, Master Huang Yuan Chen the question in a seminar that I attended in 1993. He replied that we can choose not to forgive; to forgive or not is our choice. However, if we want to live our life to the fullest, if we truly want to live an extraordinary life of our own dreams, and if we desire to achieve our goals and make a difference in this world, forgiveness is necessary.
Forgiveness can be defined in different ways. In general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, bitterness, anger and thoughts of revenge. It is the act of untying ourselves from thoughts and feelings that bind us to the offences committed against us. Forgiveness can lead to understanding, empathy and compassion for those who hurt us.
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. It can be difficult and it may take time. Everyone approaches forgiveness differently. One important step is to recognize the value of forgiveness and its importance in our lives at a given time. Another crucial step is to reflect on the facts of the situation and how we have reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives, our health and our well-being. Then, as we are ready, we can proactively choose to forgive the one who has offended us. In this way, we move away from our role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.
Forgiveness also means that we change the old patterns of beliefs and actions that are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and understanding.
Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding onto grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems.
Forgiveness research is a relatively new and uncharted field. Prior to 1985, only a handful of studies on forgiveness had been done. During the next fourteen years, less than sixty studies were done. Nevertheless, social scientists have begun to quantify the power of forgiveness in a variety of arenas.
In January 2, 1998, ABC News reported that "studies show that letting go of anger and resentment can reduce the severity of heart disease and, in some cases, even prolong the lives of cancer patients." A study by the University of Montgomery suggests that there is a positive link between attitude towards revenge and criminal behavior. Criminality might be related , at least in male, to the attitudes one holds about revenge and forgiveness which might play a positive role in reducing vengeful responses to perceived transgression that lead to criminal acts.
While I was flying back from Rome, Italy April 2008, I read an article and came across a sentence which read “Forgiveness does not change the past; however it does enhance your future.” I totally agree with this statement.
The negative emotion of guilt manifests as a feeling of unworthiness, destructive criticism, a lack of love, and a feeling of inadequateness and undeserving. People who have guilty feelings often feel that they are unworthy of all the good things life has to offer. Even when things are going well with them, deep down they feel it cannot last. Un-forgiveness predisposes a person for failure. Raised with the feeling that they do not deserve to have good things happen to them, they manifest self sabotaging behavior.
Holding grudges and remaining angry towards people who have hurt us is the major cause of psychosomatic illness. Our anger and antagonism rob us and our life of energy, facilitate illness, and sabotage our efforts to prosper and achieve our goals in life.
For decades, forgiveness generally was discussed in biblical or theological terms, but slowly and surely, the notion that the act of forgiving can be healing for an individual has begun infiltrating into psychology. Like prayer and mediation, forgiveness has turned out to be good medicine. Anger and pain is the price we pay for holding onto grudges. The medical profession is beginning to recognize that holding onto past grievances with hostility as the predisposing cause for many diseases such as heart disease and cancer.
Some people can spend countless hours dwelling on the wrongs done to them, the injustices, the slight, the snubs, insults, hostilities and bad treatment. Top Popoola, a minister and author wrote “Bitterness and an unforgiving spirit can be likened to us taking poison and expecting that someone else would die from the effect. Forgiveness is about setting the prisoner in our heart free only to discover that all along, we had been the real prisoner.” Wow, this is a great saying.
There are three persons in our life that we need to forgive to free our self from the toxic emotions of guilt, inferiority, unworthiness, bitterness and anger. When we let these people go and ditch the past we will feel lighter and will experience a feeling of relief and joy. Then our life will open up to us in a wonderful new way that we cannot even imagine or comprehend.
The first person we have to forgive is our parents. I realize that in family there are no crimes too great beyond forgiveness. We can and we must forgive our parents for every conceived injustice and every act of unkindness. We can rise above the situation and let them go. We have to realize that our parents did their very best for us within the level of knowledge they had at the time. Why should we blame them for anything? We have to remember that by blaming our parents or anybody will draw our attention to the past and prevent us from reaching our goals in life.
The second person we have to forgive is everyone else, every single person that has hurt or betrayed us in any way. The refusal to forgive just one person is enough to seriously undermine or even destroy our opportunities for future success. We do not have to like that person. We simply have to forgive him. If someone has caused us pain, if a lover has broken our heart, if a best friend has betrayed us, forgive them for they have no idea how much they have hurt us. I believe if they really knew how much it hurt you or how long we would hold onto the pain, they would never have done it in the first place. If we do not forgive them, the hurt and wounds they have inflicted on us will get bigger and bigger.
The third person and perhaps the most important and difficult person to forgive is ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is the greatest gift we could ever give to ourselves. We must choose to forgive ourselves for every foolish and hurtful thing we have done. We must learn to recognize that in spite of it all, we manage to survive and that we have developed greater strength and stronger character and compassion as a result of our past painful and hurtful experience. No matter how regretful we are over what we have done, we must not torture ourselves with guilt. Remember that we are not perfect; we have done our best to do whatever we can.
If we want to realize our potential, to develop our full capabilities and to liberate our emotional and spiritual well being and if we genuinely desire to be joyful, healthy, and be completely free from toxic emotions, we must refuse to pay over and over again for the same unpleasant experiences. We absolutely must forgive everyone who has hurt us in any way. We must let go of it and walk away from these negative emotions that will only haunt us. Let go the past, forgive and move forward for joy and happiness.
How do we let go and forgive? There are many methods we can use. One of the methods I used to practise is through imagination. I imagine the person that has hurt me is standing right in front of me. I walk closer to him or her and give him or her a hug. I go on to say, “I forgive you. Let us begin our journey with joyful relationship.”
Forgiveness and especially self-forgiveness is the greatest gift we could possibly give ourselves. It is the most difficult trick in the whole bag of human relations.
Discover for yourself how this process will break through the prison of our own self-imposed limitations allowing us to achieve our goals and enrich our life. Forgiveness is the key to happiness!
